I love making dream boards. I used to make them as a kid before they were a thing. I wanted my own magazine just because I loved thinking of themes and putting pictures together peppered with words that inspired me. My journal was more of a scrap book with poetry, thoughts and pages ripped from magazines. It was my way of communicating with my higher self.
A dream board is like praying and goal setting all in one. Right before my sister and I were diagnosed with cancer, I made a dream board. I had words all over it along with pictures that inspired me. The words that stood out to me the most were “wisdom and purpose.”
God always answers prayers. Not in the way we want, of course. If we pray for strength, he gives us the opportunity to be strong. If we pray for love, He gives us the challenge to love with out conditions. I prayed for wisdom, purpose and to grow in spirit. In the midst of all of this loss and all of these challenges, my prayers were being answered. No matter how hard life is or becomes, I trust that God knows what He is doing. I will continue to pray in my position of prayer.
I was getting ready for an event and got a phone call from my doctor. While he was checking for cancer on my ovaries, he didn’t find anything concerning there. However, he did find something with my uterus.
I have a bicornuate uterus. Basically, my uterus is heart shaped to the point of no return. It is basically collapsed. I have two halves. He said he could try to fix it but it’s no guarantee. I can’t help but not want to go through another surgery. Especially if there is no guarantee.
It hit me pretty hard. It actually surprised me that I took it so hard. I have always been back and forth on whether or not I wanted to have a baby. I was finally to the point where I had made a decision. We were going to start trying and then it was taken away, just like my breasts, just like my sister, my job, and my old life. Now it’s my fertility.
I had to pull myself together to teach a class. Ironically, it was a class on the women’s moon cycle. However, it wouldn’t be the first time I had to manage pain.
Maybe God doesn’t want me to have my own children. Maybe He has a different plan. Maybe there are kids out there who need me as their mother. Maybe he places challenges like this so that I can relate to more women with such challenges on a larger scale. I hope to make sense of it, given where everything is leading.
My babies will not be coming to me through natural conception. I was really looking forward to that experience. But, like everything else, I’ll grieve that option and move forward.
Of course, everyone wants me to rush in to getting my Fallopian tubes out now that I can’t have kids. To be perfectly honest, I just need a break from all the bad news and all the surgeries and all the decisions.
There have been so many doors slammed in my face these past few years. In the midst of that, I have created so many opportunities for my work that I didn’t have the courage to create before cancer. I keep digging in and trying to overcome. I am hoping to make it all worth surviving. I’m in the midst of building my dreams and coming undone, simultaneously. Its fueling my purpose and devastating me at the same time. My heart is breaking, bleeding and opening all at once.
Kate Karpel is a breast cancer survivor, writer and traveler. She is passionate about helping others fulfill their full potential through the Young Living lifestyle. Join her as she brings wellness, purpose and abundance to every home in the world.