My Dad says, “Margie is the gift we weren’t allowed to keep.” I know that it isn’t up to me when someone goes or stays. I know how lucky we are that she was ours. I am so grateful that she was here, if only for a short time. I’d rather have her for a short time than none at all. Of all the sisters in the world, she was mine. I know that no matter how long she stayed, it would have never been enough time. We could stay with each other for days at a time. She was one of those people I could stay with for hours. That gift outweighs my grief.
I remember she used to call me when I lived in Florida and she was in NY. She’d say, “when are you coming home? I miss your energy. It brings me energy.” Our personalities were very different but somehow my strengths were her weaknesses and her weaknesses were my my strengths. We used to help each other all the time. I still call her number. I know that’s probably nuts but grief sometimes feels like you’re grasping for something all the time. Even when you know it no longer exists.
I don’t think my greif truly began until recently. I have been in survival mode. I didn’t allow myself to feel anything for so long. It was always; get through the funeral, the rest of chemo, the surgery, the reconstruction, the cancer, the move, the financial blow etc. I was checked out. I detached from so much. As I make my way back in to reality, I’m forced to process a lot. I’m grieving my sister but I’m also grieving my former self. Who is this new person living in this patchworked body?
I went to a new moon circle. This first one was really powerful. I drew the card of the Shaman, representing ancient healing wisdom. I wish I could share with you beyond the confines of words. I will warn you, this post is quite far fetched. I am trying to embrace the depths of myself without apologizing. Writing is a healing process. So, hang with me.
A long time ago, I recieved an astrological reading. To many of you, that may not mean a lot or may bring an uncomfortable feeling. But I’m not here to defend it and I honestly do not understand it all, myself. I trust the astrologers venue and leave that realm of the healing arts to them. Basically, it is not that the energy of the Stars influence us; it is more that we are synchronized with them. The point is not to teach nor defend astrology; the point is to share the meaning of this card within the context of this experience. There are many things that are tied to it.
The Astrologer told me that I had the same chart as some of the most powerful healers have had. She said that I will connect the world to nature and spirit on a very large scale.
At the time, I thought she was just feeding my ego. Which, no matter who you are, is always fun! However, now I understand with in this frame that surrounds this process. Healers do not have the easiest life. Healers sometimes need a lot of healing before they can heal others. It is always in balance. They may have a lot of obstacles because healers need to experience all aspects of human consciousness. So, and I know I am not alone here, a lot happens in a short amount of time. The hard stuff happens to understand it all and to intuitively raise it to a higher vibration. I get that now.
My sister studied with a Shaman for months in the Amazon. There was a time that they wanted to initiate her as a Shaman herself. If you ever sat down with Margie, the real Margie, you may have understood why. I will not go in to detail about her story but Margie and I had a lot of similar experiences. Beliefs? Perhaps beliefs is a more fitting word. Anyway, we felt a lot of the same things. We talked for hours every day to process it all. I talked to her every single day since we lived in Florida together. Our relationship seems to go much deeper than sisterhood.
When we both got cancer, that connection deepened more. On an individual basis, old patterns were shattered. Our bodies were abandoned (hers more than mine). The spirit grew. I’m still trying to fit it back in to this tattered body. A lot of things disappeared and others formed.
But there is this ancient awakening. I dare say even precancer it was stirring with in me. I was meandering in all directions. You could find me in temples, yoga studios, spas, retreats, churches, diving in to massage therapy and applying to medical schools. It was maniacal but it all makes more sense now. I was waking from this ancient sleep. Learning a lot in a small amount of time. I was trying to navigate an age old part of my being in a modern world. I beleive it is collective. It is not just me. I’m not alone in this. Goodbye, ego.
I have mentioned before that I am the first woman to survive the braca gene in my family. This past year has shook my bloodline. Shook it enough to perhaps jolt past generations. Maybe that is what I feel. When did this gene mutate and why? Maybe it is time to heal it in some form. I’m left picturing matriarchs dying early in my ancestral line. I find it ironic that it lay dormant in a generation of men and now a generation of women have come in to it. We aren’t the first, even though at times it seems to be so. I am also left with a feeling of guilt. Is it just birth order that allowed me life? Time in general? I am torn between linear thinking and spiritual thinking.
I could have clipped Gods halo for taking my sister instead of me. If I had known what cut through light. However, that anger has left me and I do not intend on embracing darkness. So I’m choosing to understand God. I think im coming around to it. I am allowing healing in sacred spaces and at the hands of other healers. Recognizing my higher self in others. Using their experiences to understand my own. Sharing mine in hopes it can do the same within them. Love flows through understanding. I hope to join that light and eventually become it in God’s time.
Kate Karpel is a writer and teacher. She is passionate about helping others fulfill their creative potential. Take a course, burry yourself in one of her books (coming soon), get some inspiration from her blog, or grab something from the boutique.