You finally get to the point of telling your story. Kudos to you. But the inner critique begins telling you how you have poor grammar, suck at spelling, can't write, got a C in English, don't read enough; did I miss anything?
Every writer has a folder file, notebook, or stack of shitty writing. Just like every artist has a closet full of crappy art. I am guilty of both. The truth is, you become a better writer by writing. I have been told a million times that I am a great writer. The other day though, I used the wrong "their" in a post. That is what editing is for. That is what failing forward is for. It is also a part of being human. Allow yourself to fail.
I was stunted by perfectionism for awhile. I always thought all things had to align to begin. The truth is, things begin to align once you begin. In my ignorance, I thought someday I would rent a lake house for three months and I would sit down and write my book. I legit thought I would have enough time, money and space in my life to do this...eventually. Writing this out makes me want to laugh. I have always had a knack for writing, so I thought I could lean in to those skills when all the things aligned. The truth is, I had no idea how to write a book. When I began, I soon found out writing is a serious commitment. One I had to show up for. One I had to become the person to even know how to show up for it.
It wasn't overnight that I created space to write in my life. First it was once a week. I even failed at that. I kept at it though. I began adding (and failing to add) time to my writing agenda. Until finally, it was as routine as brushing my teeth. Which I admit, sometimes I forget when I have a strange day. Like the times my daughter was sick or when I have a benchmark essay due for school. However, situation - normal week; writing is a part of my life. Begin small if you need to. But begin!
When I was going through cancer, I had a blog in real time. When I first got diagnosed, I wanted to share my story. I think mostly because I needed support. However as my blog gained a following, it was difficult to be in the public eye while your life is so raw and wounds are wide open.
When I was deciding on my surgery options through my blog, I had a woman who I didn't really know come up to me in public and say, "so did you keep your nipples?" I felt completely naked in front of someone who was completely clothed. It was weird. That night, I took down my blog and deleted tons of the posts. When I came back to it recently, I realized I still had some older posts. I began deleting them but then realized it might be OK to leave them up. To mark the evolution of a blog. So I left what was there, up.
With much consideration, I am going to continue my blog. However, it is going to be to help people navigate the writing world. In writing my book, every single part of the process has felt like I am completely aligned with my purpose in life. Its difficult, but the good kind of challenge. The research, the writing, the learning, the reading and then navigating how it all comes together. I just love all of it. It is such an exciting world to me.
I was helping a friend edit her website the other day. And she said, "Kate, you need to do this in your life. You are so good at it. I can feel your passion through your edits and critiques." There is nothing like a good friend to remind you of your strengths and give such authentic compliments.
The truth is, I love to teach. I love to organize information and then embed it in to story or thought. I love to share information. I love to highlight other people who are good at what they do. I love helping entrepreneurs organize their ideas and make what they are already doing, a little bit better or more clear. Most of all, I love to write. I hope that if you ever find yourself needing a place to provoke thought or get inspired when you are feeling a little lost; you consider landing here.
Its gotta get easier. I’m holding on to that. Sometimes I just repeat that to myself. It has to. One day further away from my sister and one day closer. Some days I just want to get on with it and go home. It can get so hard some days. I’m giving it all I’ve got. Feels like more. Im not sure it’s enough.
Im holding on to easier.
Everything happens so quickly now. When you decide to be Spiritually centered, God catapults you in to this shedding period. Shedding parts of yourself that no longer serve you. A lot is learned and is healed at a very fast pace. It’s intense! I have had a lot of times in my life where this acute shift has happened. However, this has been the most profound.
We repeat what we don’t repair. That’s why we have similar patterns in different relationships, in our health, mind or any level of being. It’s all attracted or created by ourselves. Once recognized, healed and evolved, it’s like living a new life. Sometimes I am not sure if I died or if Margie died. I assure you, I know it is the latter. However, I feel as though I’m in a new realm. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel frozen or stagnant at times. I still make mistakes. I’m just less afraid to make them. I know that tomorrow never comes. Life is created in daily, seemingly small decisions. Procrastinating is a way of running from what your soul already knows is possible. Once you discover why your soul has been brought here, the three dimensional needs seem to show up more easily. When people are heart and soul centered; it evolves the collective consciousness. We can raise the frequency much higher and much more quickly when functioning through our higher selves.
My Dad says, “Margie is the gift we weren’t allowed to keep.” I know that it isn’t up to me when someone goes or stays. I know how lucky we are that she was ours. I am so grateful that she was here, if only for a short time. I’d rather have her for a short time than none at all. Of all the sisters in the world, she was mine. I know that no matter how long she stayed, it would have never been enough time. We could stay with each other for days at a time. She was one of those people I could stay with for hours. That gift outweighs my grief.
I remember she used to call me when I lived in Florida and she was in NY. She’d say, “when are you coming home? I miss your energy. It brings me energy.” Our personalities were very different but somehow my strengths were her weaknesses and her weaknesses were my my strengths. We used to help each other all the time. I still call her number. I know that’s probably nuts but grief sometimes feels like you’re grasping for something all the time. Even when you know it no longer exists.
I don’t think my greif truly began until recently. I have been in survival mode. I didn’t allow myself to feel anything for so long. It was always; get through the funeral, the rest of chemo, the surgery, the reconstruction, the cancer, the move, the financial blow etc. I was checked out. I detached from so much. As I make my way back in to reality, I’m forced to process a lot. I’m grieving my sister but I’m also grieving my former self. Who is this new person living in this patchworked body?
I went to a new moon circle. This first one was really powerful. I drew the card of the Shaman, representing ancient healing wisdom. I wish I could share with you beyond the confines of words. I will warn you, this post is quite far fetched. I am trying to embrace the depths of myself without apologizing. Writing is a healing process. So, hang with me.
A long time ago, I recieved an astrological reading. To many of you, that may not mean a lot or may bring an uncomfortable feeling. But I’m not here to defend it and I honestly do not understand it all, myself. I trust the astrologers venue and leave that realm of the healing arts to them. Basically, it is not that the energy of the Stars influence us; it is more that we are synchronized with them. The point is not to teach nor defend astrology; the point is to share the meaning of this card within the context of this experience. There are many things that are tied to it.
The Astrologer told me that I had the same chart as some of the most powerful healers have had. She said that I will connect the world to nature and spirit on a very large scale.
At the time, I thought she was just feeding my ego. Which, no matter who you are, is always fun! However, now I understand with in this frame that surrounds this process. Healers do not have the easiest life. Healers sometimes need a lot of healing before they can heal others. It is always in balance. They may have a lot of obstacles because healers need to experience all aspects of human consciousness. So, and I know I am not alone here, a lot happens in a short amount of time. The hard stuff happens to understand it all and to intuitively raise it to a higher vibration. I get that now.
My sister studied with a Shaman for months in the Amazon. There was a time that they wanted to initiate her as a Shaman herself. If you ever sat down with Margie, the real Margie, you may have understood why. I will not go in to detail about her story but Margie and I had a lot of similar experiences. Beliefs? Perhaps beliefs is a more fitting word. Anyway, we felt a lot of the same things. We talked for hours every day to process it all. I talked to her every single day since we lived in Florida together. Our relationship seems to go much deeper than sisterhood.
When we both got cancer, that connection deepened more. On an individual basis, old patterns were shattered. Our bodies were abandoned (hers more than mine). The spirit grew. I’m still trying to fit it back in to this tattered body. A lot of things disappeared and others formed.
But there is this ancient awakening. I dare say even precancer it was stirring with in me. I was meandering in all directions. You could find me in temples, yoga studios, spas, retreats, churches, diving in to massage therapy and applying to medical schools. It was maniacal but it all makes more sense now. I was waking from this ancient sleep. Learning a lot in a small amount of time. I was trying to navigate an age old part of my being in a modern world. I beleive it is collective. It is not just me. I’m not alone in this. Goodbye, ego.
I have mentioned before that I am the first woman to survive the braca gene in my family. This past year has shook my bloodline. Shook it enough to perhaps jolt past generations. Maybe that is what I feel. When did this gene mutate and why? Maybe it is time to heal it in some form. I’m left picturing matriarchs dying early in my ancestral line. I find it ironic that it lay dormant in a generation of men and now a generation of women have come in to it. We aren’t the first, even though at times it seems to be so. I am also left with a feeling of guilt. Is it just birth order that allowed me life? Time in general? I am torn between linear thinking and spiritual thinking.
I could have clipped Gods halo for taking my sister instead of me. If I had known what cut through light. However, that anger has left me and I do not intend on embracing darkness. So I’m choosing to understand God. I think im coming around to it. I am allowing healing in sacred spaces and at the hands of other healers. Recognizing my higher self in others. Using their experiences to understand my own. Sharing mine in hopes it can do the same within them. Love flows through understanding. I hope to join that light and eventually become it in God’s time.
Fall is here! Even though in upstate, NY it does not seem to be so. There are a lot of chapters closing and a lot of new things brewing. We sold the home that I fought cancer in. It is time for me to get back to life. Sometimes cancer is more difficult after the fight because you're trying to figure out what life is going to look like now. The life you left for the big fight no longer exists. I am so excited for the new and feel very blessed.
Right now, I am in New York and he is in Florida. We are going to have to be apart for awhile but we are excited for the new transition. I am thinking about writing a book. So I am gathering my thoughts on that. We hope to build a life where we can care for my health and still help others. I am hoping to find a balance that fits. We will be staying in a RV in Florida for awhile. I am just so blessed to be able to be near the ocean for a bit. I feel like Irma is representative of this past year for me. Hopefully I can gather the strength of the ocean and keep showing up as the ocean does for the shore. I would love to hear your stories on your social media pages using the hashtag, #riseintofall. That is what I feel like we are all doing, collectively. Whether you have overcome a hurricane, a battle with cancer, a death in the family I want to hear about it! Let's rise into Fall!
August is crazy! We are out of here mid September and I do not feel prepared! I am going crazy trying to pack us up and decide what needs to be packed first, last and what needs to be purged. Thank God for books! At least I know where they need to be packed (close to me). We are off to Georgia and Florida for a little bit.
I cannot believe it is August already! I am so excited to get in to our next chapter. Cancer seems like it's coming to an end and I am so happy about that. Doctor appointments are monthly instead of daily. I am losing the steroid weight and I feel energized again. No complaints here!
I feel as though I received a second chance at life. There is really no reason I should be alive. I hope to make it count! I want to have this life be one of service. I want to get out of the way so that God can work through me. I have felt that in my heart ever since I was told that the cancer is gone. When I am called home to be with God and my sister, I hope that I leave this realm a better, more authentic place.
I hope your August is full of wellness, purpose and abundance.
I have been super super busy traveling around! Utah, Colorado and Florida! I have been focusing on a lot of in home classes and one on one meetings! I love teaching through the internet and teaching people all over the world! However meeting one on one and being with people is quite an amazing experience! Remission has allowed me to travel a bit and I am so grateful.
Overall it was a nice June. I cannot wait to see what July brings!
Have a safe and happy summer!
Kate Karpel is a writer and teacher. She is passionate about helping others fulfill their creative potential. Take a course, burry yourself in one of her books (coming soon), get some inspiration from her blog, or grab something from the boutique.