My Dad says, “Margie is the gift we weren’t allowed to keep.” I know that it isn’t up to me when someone goes or stays. I know how lucky we are that she was ours. I am so grateful that she was here, if only for a short time. I’d rather have her for a short time than none at all. Of all the sisters in the world, she was mine. I know that no matter how long she stayed, it would have never been enough time. We could stay with each other for days at a time. She was one of those people I could stay with for hours. That gift outweighs my grief.
I remember she used to call me when I lived in Florida and she was in NY. She’d say, “when are you coming home? I miss your energy. It brings me energy.” Our personalities were very different but somehow my strengths were her weaknesses and her weaknesses were my my strengths. We used to help each other all the time. I still call her number. I know that’s probably nuts but grief sometimes feels like you’re grasping for something all the time. Even when you know it no longer exists.
I don’t think my greif truly began until recently. I have been in survival mode. I didn’t allow myself to feel anything for so long. It was always; get through the funeral, the rest of chemo, the surgery, the reconstruction, the cancer, the move, the financial blow etc. I was checked out. I detached from so much. As I make my way back in to reality, I’m forced to process a lot. I’m grieving my sister but I’m also grieving my former self. Who is this new person living in this patchworked body?
Kate Karpel is a breast cancer survivor, writer and traveler. She is passionate about helping others fulfill their full potential through the Young Living lifestyle. Join her as she brings wellness, purpose and abundance to every home in the world.